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cloudcity.jpgWalldorf, Germany, April 1 - During SAP’s recent developer conference, it was revealed that SAP is developing a new offering that combines cloud and in-memory technologies. This new cloud technology, known as SAP MindWeaver, would enable persons to migrate their egos “into the cloud” to create virtual replicas of themselves. The following is a transcript of one session we overhead at the recent DKOM event in Walldorf by a developer whom we agreed to keep anonymous.

“We started down the path of helping people migrate themselves to the cloud when we considered the high cost of ownership of our personal biology,“ said the anonymous developer. “But early customer focus groups revealed that people are rather quite fond of their personal biology. So it made more sense to allow people to essentially clone their egos in the cloud, and keep their personal biology intact.”

“Once we achieved the ability to create these cloud ego clones with SAP MindWeaver, we began exploring applications for this technology.  We’ve found some surprising results.”

First test case: Having your cloud ego clone go to work for you while you stay home and have fun.

“For this test, we leveraged the our first SAP MindWeaver prototype that produced cloud ego clones running on HANA.

This proved to be highly popular with the real people and managers for the first two weeks. But afterwards, we started seeing a couple of problems.  First, the real people found themselves getting bored, since they felt like they were missing a purpose.  Second, it became apparent that the HANA-powered cloud ego clones were completing work assignments before they were ever actually assigned. This led to temporal causality loops that paid out infinite bonus allotments. Our concern over the economics of this project, plus the risk that the space-time continuum could rip apart led us to terminate the project.“

Second test case: Having your cloud ego clone go have fun while you go to work.

“Initially testers were very skeptical about this application and they complained bitterly about being assigned to this project. However, it has proved to be very successful.  As the testing continued, the real people found they were actually having more fun living vicariously through the fun that their cloud ego clone was having. I think it’s a bit like the financial system. The derivatives of fun are way more potent than actual fun.”

“We’re expanding the testing under this program to include things that should be fun, but we all know really aren’t, such as going on vacation with your in-laws.”

Technical challenges remain

The anonymous product developer explained that the technical aspects of cloning people’s egos into the cloud were not that difficult.  The real challenge has been finding the right source to clone.

“People are really amazingly complex people. How they project themselves really depends upon the circumstances, a lot like looking at reflections of them through funhouse mirrors.”

“We tried different ways to bring a person’s essence into the cloud. We tried growing them from virtual models of DNA, but this proved to be too slow. It takes 30 years to train a virtual 30 year old, and they’re really obnoxious to deal with during their teenage years.  At least they were easy to turn off. “

“Social media seemed like an obvious choice with people posting so much of themselves on Facebook and Twitter. This posed different problems since all the virtual people cloned from Facebook would talk about themselves endlessly, and could not shut up. That, and they were obsessed with wanting to help their friends harvest their gardens for some unexplainable reason.”


“In the end, we ended up virtually cloning people’s dogs.  You know the theory that people look like their dogs? It turns out that same is true in the cloud. This has worked pretty well.  And we found that dog-based cloud ego clones are more obedient, often better house broken than the actual humans, and they’re always happy to see you.”



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