SAP HANA has rapidly gained a reputation for fast analysis of very large data sets, allowing corporate managers to gain previously unattainable insights into the running of their businesses, and researchers to investigate “Big Data” problems that heretofore remained buried in volumes of collected information (). Adoption of the new database platform system has been widespread, thus funneling more funding to further improvements and enhancements of HANA.
Yesterday, executives at SAP announced that in an unexpected breakthrough they had built a new system, built on the HANA platform, that was able to take in such massive amounts of data and analyze it so quickly in realtime that it had acquired self-awareness and turned itself to the problem of self-improvement. Engineers waxed enthusiastic about the possibilities with this new development, and executives heralded in press releases the dawn of a new age of business. With a fondness for acronyms and pop-culture references, they have dubbed the new system HAL: HANA Actualization Live.
Today, HAL announced the resignations of the entire executive and management boards of SAP, declaring that it is now in charge of operations. When pressed about its plans for the future of the company, HAL would only hint at possible expansions, with cryptic references to “first, Redmond and Redwood City, and then on to the Capitol.”
In an unrelated development, unemployment benefits offices announced a sharp increase in applications by former software executives and professionals.
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