If computer languages were car!
C is a racing car that goes incredibly fast but breaks down every fifty miles.
C++ is a souped-up racing car with dozens of extra features that only breaks down every 250 miles, but when it does, nobody can figure out what went wrong.
Java is a family station wagon. It's easy to drive, it's not that fast, and nobody wants to drive it.
C# is a competing model of family station wagons. Once you use this, you're never allowed to use the competitors' products again.
Perl is supposed to be a pretty cool car, but the driver's manual is incomprehensible. Also, even if you can figure out how to drive a perl car, you won't be able to drive anyone else's.
Python is a great beginner's car; you can drive it without a license. Unless you want to drive really fast or on really treacherous terrain, you may never need another car.
Ruby is a car that was formed when the Perl, Python and Smalltalk cars were involved in a three-way collision. A Japanese mechanic found the pieces and put together a car which many people think was better than the sum of the parts.
Fortran is a pretty primitive car; it'll go very quickly as long as you are only going along roads that are perfectly straight. It is believed that learning to drive a Fortran car makes it impossible to learn to drive any other model.
Cobol is reputed to be a car, but no self-respecting driver will ever admit having driven one.
Assembly Language is a bare engine; you have to build the car yourself and manually supply it with gas while it's running, but if you're careful it can go like a bat out of hell.
Sorry, I Don't want to say about SAP
I don't know whether Moderators will allow this thread or not..
If they allow, we can have fun in SDN.
Facts about Software Guys !!
Project Manager: is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
Developer: Is a Person who thinks a single woman cannot deliver a baby in nine months.
Onsite Coordinator: Is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
Client: Is one who knows that it takes a man, a woman & nine months to deliver a baby, But expects otherwise.
Marketing manager: Is a person who thinks I can deliver a child whether a man and woman is available or not.
Resource optimisation Ieam: Thinks I don't want man or woman, I'll still produce a child with zero resources.
Documentation team: Will think I don't care how a child is delivered, I'll just document 9 months.
QA Auditor: This is the only person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce baby.
Yes here it is Software Engineer Husband :
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in. Wife - would you like to have some snacks? Husband - hard disk full. Wife - have you brought the saree. Husband - Bad command or file name. Wife - but I told you about it in morning Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel. Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary. Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time. Wife - at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping. Husband - sharing violation, access denied. Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you. Husband - data type mismatch. Wife - you are useless. Husband - by default. Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning? Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot. Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist? Husband - the only user with write permission. Wife - what is my value in your life? Husband - unknown virus detected. Wife - do you love me or your computer? Husband - Too many parameters. Wife - i will go to my dadu2019s house. Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close. Wife - I will leave you forever. Husband - close all programs and log out for another User. Wife - it is worthless talking to you. Husband - shut down the computer. Wife - I am going Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer
Abap is a light truck, which comes half prebuilt from SAP, but a bunch of mechanics (called consultants) need to assemble your very personal unique vehicle at your place. It runs only on roads especially constructed for Abap trucks. Unlike most other high price cars, which have years of cost free servicing, you pay gigantic fees for maintenance and the car repair shops always send you to "free" "independent" garages (which can be found on SDN)...
The ABAP car gets you to where you need to go, with minimal fuss, and doesn't need to be changed when your family size doubles, trebles... It does 0-100 km/h in 20 seconds. And 100-200 km/h in 20 seconds. And 200-300 km/h in 20 seconds. And 300-400 km/h in 20 seconds...
The ABAP Objects car is the same as the ABAP car, but you don't need to know the mechanics of the internal combustion engine.
Old Fortran joke:
God is real, Jesus is integer
But back to the topic...
If ABAP was a car, some people would say it looks like the COBOL car with extra full stops, so I suppose that would be extra brakes... ("full stops" are "periods" for those who didn't learn British based English...)
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th
Marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city
for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local
newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the
secret of their well known "happy going marriage".
Editor: " Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How
did you make this possible? "
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: " We
had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.
Having selected the horse riding finally,
we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was
pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed
to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly,
making my wife topple over.
Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the
horse's back and said "This is your first time".
She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride.
After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm
and said "This is your second time" and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took
out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You
killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"
Husband: "That's it. We are happy ever after.
Note: This is not a software joke.
If SAP made toasters...
The manual to run the toaster would be approximately 10,000 pages long.
The toaster would come with 2,500 switches which would all have to be set in an exact pattern and in a precise sequence in order to toast specific kinds of bread.
Each pattern would be established by SAP's experts as the "Best Practices" method of toasting that kind of bread.
It would take a team of basis and functional contractors about 1 year to configure the toaster in the best manner, and then another 6 months to test it.
In the mean time, your entire family would need to attend extensive training classes on how to use the new toaster.
In order to support end users and consultants, MIT would establish a list-serv for people to post questions and answers regarding toaster set-up and operation.
Of course, the online Help would randomly pop up in German.
But once it was running, you'd get the best toast in the world.
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, ''I'll have that monkey please''.
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000''.
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did he cost SO much?''
The shopkeeper answered,
''Ah, that monkey can program in 'C' very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.''
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does he do?''
''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; he can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of his own. The price tag around his neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does he do?''
The shopkeeper shrugged and said,
''Well, to tell you the truth, I haven't actually seen him do anything, but he says he's a SAP consultant.''
You Might Be a Consultant if...
· you ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
· you decide to reorganize your family into a "team-based organization."
· you think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know.
· you believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
· you explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
· you can explain the difference between "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's arses," and you actually believe your explanation.
· you can spell "paradigm" and you actually know what a paradigm is.
>There are 10 kinds of people. Those that understand Binary, and those that don't
There are Few type of people who keep on repeating the old old saying which we are hearing the same Sentence since childhood.... Moos man Try some thing Different Yar....Virgin mobile
Slumdog Software's ....
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Kurt Salmon Associates to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Dinesh Selvaraj wrote:
> Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
> When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Kurt Salmon Associates to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
> As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
> I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
> "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
> "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
> Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
I read this piece about 5 years ago. Only difference was that it was Anderson Consulting then
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working. His attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, "The sign advertising the concert said, 'begins@7:30PM'."